Funniest Jokes???

[Richard_BenoitEnglipedia Drone]

Funniest Joke in the World
According to Yahoo! (October 3, 2002)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Funniest Joke in the World:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Runner Up:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Another Runner Up:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

One More Runner Up:

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

funny yes, but surely we can do better?

[SirDickusBacillus]

Not going for the funniest, but some good one liners -

Rodney Dangerfield -
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.


George Carlin -
What year did Jesus think it was?

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

Many other comedians out there, but they are legends in my book. As well as everyone elses I guess. Other favorites are Louis CK, Mark Twain (I know he`s not a comedian), HL Menken (also not a comedian), Bernie Mack, Bruce Bruce, Katt Williams...

[Paul]

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress


A son asked his mother the following question:


' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her
son and replies:


' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure. '



The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.


' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '


The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in

white

[sonofobed]

HAHAHHAHAHA

That last one is golden.

[moolooman]

There was a guy at a singles party, who was out to score.
A couple of ladies started talking to him, and he was quick to begin pointing out his prowess in bed.
The girls were not convinced,and he remonstrated with them further.
They still were not convinced, so he issued them an ultimatem. He told them both to come round to his house the next night, and he would offer them satisfaction all night long. The girls decided it would be good for a laugh, so they agreed.

The next morning the guy woke up at home slightly hungover. All of a sudden it dawned upon him what he had signed up for the previous night, and started to panic. It was this panic that led him to the doctor`s surgery.

Upon entering the doctors room, they guy asked the doctor to prescribe him some Viagra. The doctor asked why he wanted Viagra, and the guy explained the situation and told the doctor he may well have overstepped his mark. Thus a little Viagra would help. The doctor sighed, and gave him prescription for a box of Viagra, and cautioned him to only take one a day.
The guy thanked the doctor, left, went out to the carpark, and downed the whole bottle. He was now ready.

The next day again, the doctor was sitting in his room reading the paper. The same guy staggered through the door, pulled all curtains, and collapsed on the couch. The doctor asked what was wrong, at which point the guy dropped his trou. It was red, raw, bloody, beaten and in a real bad shape. The doctor was shocked. "What can I do to help?" he asked the guy.
"Just give me a tube of Deep Heat" the guy replied.
"My God!!" said the doctor. "If you rub Deep Heat on that you will surely die of the pain".
"Wait, wait" said the guy. "You see, the Deep Heat isn`t for that. The girls didn`t show up last night. The Deep Heat is for my wrist."

[himitsu]

Let me tell you one of my favorites:

The flea

A scientist is researching the behavior of fleas. He picks one, places it on a paper and says "Jump!". The flea jumps.
The researcher makes a note in his notebook: If you tell a flea to jump, it jumps.
Then he picks it again, cuts its legs, places it back on the paper and says again "Jump!". But this time the flea doesn`t jump.
The researcher makes another note: If you cut its legs, the flea becomes deaf.

[Otaku]

LOL!

[jeisensei]

Some of my favorites (one of witch I just heard on Saturday):

1) There was once a man that has long suspected that his wife has been cheating on him. One hot summer day he gets home from work early to find that the elevator is not working. This puts the man into a terrible mood because he has to climb the 10 flights of stairs up to his apartment. When he finally does get to his apartment he notices the front door is slightly open and he thinks he hears voices inside. He bursts through the door yelling "I know he's here! Come out!" The wife, very sweaty, runs up and asks the husband what he is talking about. The husband goes on to push her out of the way and search the apartment. He finds no one under the bed or in the closet, but he notices the window is wide open. He looks out the window and notices a man near the bottom of the fire escape fanning himself trying to keep cool.

Scene change: heaven

Three people are standing in front of the gates of heaven. The angel at the gates says to the first man "Please give me your name and how you died." The man says "I am Bob and I died because I know my wife was cheating on me. I saw the man and picked up the refrigerator to throw on him. I got it out of the window but then I had a huge heart attack and died." The angle asks the second guy the same question. "My name is Mike. I was hot so I went out on the fire escape to cool myself when I huge refrigerator comes out of no where and kills me." The angle nods and asks the third guy the same question. "Well you see, it all started when I decided to hide in a refrigerator..."

2) There was once a physicist that decided to take a small rest from his work and went for a walk in the woods. As he was walking he came upon a frog. The frog looks up at him and says "If you just kiss me I will become a beautiful lady." The physicist smiles and picks up the frog putting it into his pocket. After a while the frog fights its way out of the pocket and says "I am actually a princess that was cursed. If you kiss me and make me human again I will give you half of my kingdom." The physicist smiles and puts the frog back into his pocket. Again the frog fights its way out of the pocket and says "OK! I will give you my whole kingdom! Why won't you just change me back!?" The physicist looks down at the frog and says "Well a kingdom is nice and all, but a talking frog is just cool!"

3) Three people from 3 different countries were out riding in their car in the desert when it suddenly broke down. The three decided to go off in different directions to look for help, but they also decided to take a piece of the car in case they needed it. The person from the first country says he will take a seat. If he gets tired along the way he can just use the seat and sit down. The second person says he will take the hood. If it get's too sunny he can make a little shelter with the hood and take a rest. The person from the third country says he is going to take the door. When asked why, he said that if he ever got hot he could just roll down the window.